Not The First Time
Tonight,
every room I walk into is crooked.
Every chair I sit down on is missing a leg.
And every table I eat from
wobbles when I rest my elbows.
Tonight, I long for stability,
for all things to stand upright,
outraged at all things serpentine.
In my ears I say “No,” to all that is bad
and “yes,” to all that is good.
In my ears.
But circuits get crossed
before I can form the words,
before my breath can vibrate
the chords of my voice,
I say “yes,” to a stranger
in exchange for the needle.
This is not the first time I’ve been here.
This is not the first time.
This is not the first time I’ve been here.
This is not the first time.
I want what is good.
I want clean air and sacred water,
but that doesn’t match my insides.
My insides contradict what mama told me,
and agree with how papa folded me.
His name is Ralph, the needle man,.
He’s only wiping my mouth
and being nice to me
cause he hasn’t been paid yet.
This is not the first time I’ve been here.
This is not the first time.
This is not the first time I’ve been here.
This is not the first time.
I fan myself open, before him,
wishing I felt dead enough inside not to care.
I still hope for a diamond ring to appear from his back pocket.
I fill myself with piano chords,
longing for him to believe I am capable of music.
He fails to see the poetry.
I am served a beer and asked to leave.
I hear the door click behind me.
I get this feeling I’ve had since I was four.
Someone’s cats rubbing agains my leg.
I want to slam holes in the walls.
My spine feels bruised by history.
Why must every thing
enter me in the form of a prick.
This is not the first time I’ve been here.
This is not the first time.
This is not the first time I’ve been here.
This is not the first time.
I exit the building.
My veins are seizing in the cold.
My skin crowds my bones
crawling between the fibres of my
muscles to stay warm.
I’m just a girl in search of her wings!
This is not the first time I’ve been here.
This is not the first time.
This is not the first time I’ve been here.
This is not the first time.
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME.
